March 18th, a special day

March is a very special month because 4 years ago on the 18th, Austin and I were married. It feels like it has FLOWN by!! Seriously, where has the time gone? Austin was in Louisiana working with his dad so I've really missed him. I can't wait for him to get home. I sent him a bunch of hard to find neopolitan coconut sundae candies and he surprised me by sending me a dozen GORGEOUS roses!! LOVE YOU AUSTIN! These last 4 years have been the best of my life. Can't wait for the next 40!

March Madness!

Austin has spent the better part of March out of town. For one week, I got to join him! We took a road trip to visit his parents in Poplarville, Mississippi. After a near death experience towing a boat through a blizzard, we had a very relaxing visit and it was so nice to spend time with his parents and some of his friends that we haven't seen in a VERY long time. Of course we made it in to New Orleans for a visit with Grams and down to the french quarter for begnets, mmmmmmm. Yes, I gained like 10 pounds while I was there...it's all fried!! all of it!!! So fun and so good just to indulge and enjoy sometimes. One of his friends owns a ranch with several animals. We got to see a one day old lamb, soooooo cute! We had fun hanging out with the horses and pony and eating dinner with his friends family. Austin is still out of town, but I got to go down to the famous Zoll cabin this weekend with my family. Although I don't have any pics this time, it was a great experience. I love spending time with my fam. My sisters, mom and I even went to Wal-mart down in Ephraim at mid-night to buy the New Moon DVD...I know, the nerdiness never ends. It was so fun!! In the theater room, I watched with my brothers in frustration as BYU lost in the second round. Way to go for making it past the first round, I guess.

THIS POOR PONY! They made me do it. LOL!!

LiFE!

So, I was driving to work at 6:00 a.m. this morning and I was literally thinking about how much I LOVE my car. It just drives so smooth and accellerates so nicely. Then, at about 6:03 a.m. I got hit by another car. Lessons come big and small. It's just a possesion Rachel, it's just a possesion. LOL!

Good News and Bad News

I PROMISE I will post pictures of happier times in my next post...but so much significant stuff has happened. I can't believe right after I blogged my testimony I had this amazing experience. I was really upset after our attempt with IUI was unsuccessful. I told Austin I couldn't emotionally do it again right away and that I would like to wait a month before going back to the fertility clinic...I mean really, it is soooooo not romantic to do things that way *snickers*. Anyway, we tried the old fashioned way again while I was taking a mental break. Two weeks and a few days later I was late, which I didn't think much of because I've been a few days late every month for the past 3 years. I just couldn't help myself though...I just happened to have a pregnancy test laying around and I thought, "you know, I just don't want to think about it and wait for my monthly friend to come along." Soooooo, I took the pregnancy test- I can't tell you how many of those I've gone through in the last 3 years- and 3 minutes later I had a positive sign!!!! Every few minutes after that I checked it just to make sure I wasn't dreaming, or that the positive line didn't somehow disappear. I did a little dance right there in the bathroom. I was so excited and even took a second pregnancy test just to be sure. For 5 days I was on cloud nine and I literally planned out how I would tell my family, then how I would tell my friends, and then how I would tell the rest of the world. Oh, and I also was planning out my baby shower too. Austin was so cute, even though he was scared to really believe it, he would talk to my belly and call it a boy...I had to correct him and tell him it was going to be a girl. Then...5 days after the first positive pregnancy test...I started to miscarry. I remember being in the bathroom again and just repeating "no" over and over again. I wasn't positive I was really having a miscarriage and at first I started to doubt that I was even pregnant. BUT, my little sister Amanda (and the doctor) confirmed pregnancy and also a miscarriage. I've had huge highs and lows ever since. On the one hand, I was pregnant!!! AND, it happened naturally. I can't even express the hope that has sprouted up in me. Maybe I can say sianara (I'll have to look up how to spell that) to the fertility clinic. The doctor estimated I was 5 weeks along and that is early enough to be able to try again right away. I'm really excited. On the other hand, I've been struggling with the loss. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sooo sad sometimes. I've tried to bury it deep in me but once and a while it creeps out. I was pregnant, and I got cheated out of that experience. Yep, that's how I feel sometimes. I'm not so awesome that I can rise above those thoughts...though, I am pretty awesome, let's be honest. I finally threw away my first positive pregnancy test after about 2 to 3 weeks of not being able to. It feels good to be in a place where I can write about it now. My family and my husband are incredible!!! Thanks to them and thanks to those of you who have lightened my burden these last couple weeks. You know who you are.

Testimonial

Some trials are small, some are big. Sometimes life is hard and sometimes it's easy. As I have learned in the last few years (and many times throughout my life) you have to really cherish the easy times. Sometimes we just cruise through life and everything falls into place...you have the midas touch...can do no wrong. I LOVE those times. Who doesn't? Then sometimes it's the exact opposite. Everything truly happens for a reason even if you only see it in hind-sight. I'm kinda funny because when I first learned that it wasn't going to be easy to have children, I really just kind of sat myself down (in a manner of speaking) and told myself I could get through this...I would get through this, and without freaking out or getting down or even worse, without placing blame. I really thought if I had enough faith, kept a positive attitude, prayed, read scriptures, went to church and the temple that I would get pregnant because of those things alone. I literally thought I could will myself to get pregnant. This all really isn't coming out right but I think you know what I mean. Anyway, sometimes we have to go through tough trials to learn a certain lesson...we all know this. I finally came to the point I didn't want to get to...the point where I was asking why, why me, why us, haven't I been through enough in my life? It wasn't until I arrived at this point that I've even begun to get the answer. The surprise is, it's not the answer I was asking about but an answer nonetheless. In fact answers would be the more appropriate word, answers that I needed, answers that will help me in my life WAY more than really knowing the reason why I'm not pregnant at this very moment. At this time in my life I rely on my savior not only every day but to get through every moment. I need him and he is there for me. He provides comfort where every worldly outlet has failed me. I've been cruising through these last 3 years with a false sense of what faith really is. What faith really takes. I love my savior and am so grateful for the knowledge I have and will hopefully continue to gain. We are never finished learning and growing. I've said it so much in the past and I'll say it again...I love my family beyond words and don't know what I would do without them. I also tell my husband I love him every day but want to say it again. I love him. I thank my lucky stars every day he is a part of my life. He makes each day brighter. He is the glue that holds me together. My heart flutters every time he grabs my hand. He has such an easy way about him and an amazing way to look at things that my very emotional, hormonal self can't comprehend sometimes. I can't believe how lucky I am to be able to take this journey with him. When I get down he reminds me of all the ways we are blessed and he's right...WE ARE SO BLESSED. I don't know what else I am supposed to take away from this experience and trial (other than what I've already learned) or how much longer it will last but I know that with the help of my savior I can face and get through anything...even if it doesn't turn out how I've hoped. So, you won't be seeing anymore "poor me" posts...at least, not until my next melt down. I have a GREAT life and am so thankful to those of you who have been such positive, unwavering examples to me. You know who you are...
Love ya.

IUI

Okay, I wasn't going to write about this because I've been having my own little pity party all week and I'm kinda over it now...but, several people have asked me to update and since I kinda use this as a journal and an outlet I would like to write a little something. Austin and I went for our first round of IUI two weeks ago. We found out just a few days ago that it failed. We're not giving up (though I feel like I want to) because we're just scratching the surface. One attempt does not mean it's all over but it's still pretty devastating. It's just such an emotional rollercoaster. I am a HOT MESS these days, ha ha. We'll try again in a month and let ya know how it goes, or maybe I'll just let ya know when we're finally successful. We're selling our house so we can afford IVF so if you know anyone looking for a nice house in the Indian Hills area, let me know. I love you all. It's the love of my friends and family that keep me going, even when I push you away. I never realized the depth and range of emotions I would feel. I go from depressed to angry, sad and bitter on a daily basis. Is there anything I can take for that? Because I'm ready to try anything!

You know, just because you understand why, doesn't mean you have to like it.