Good News and Bad News

I PROMISE I will post pictures of happier times in my next post...but so much significant stuff has happened. I can't believe right after I blogged my testimony I had this amazing experience. I was really upset after our attempt with IUI was unsuccessful. I told Austin I couldn't emotionally do it again right away and that I would like to wait a month before going back to the fertility clinic...I mean really, it is soooooo not romantic to do things that way *snickers*. Anyway, we tried the old fashioned way again while I was taking a mental break. Two weeks and a few days later I was late, which I didn't think much of because I've been a few days late every month for the past 3 years. I just couldn't help myself though...I just happened to have a pregnancy test laying around and I thought, "you know, I just don't want to think about it and wait for my monthly friend to come along." Soooooo, I took the pregnancy test- I can't tell you how many of those I've gone through in the last 3 years- and 3 minutes later I had a positive sign!!!! Every few minutes after that I checked it just to make sure I wasn't dreaming, or that the positive line didn't somehow disappear. I did a little dance right there in the bathroom. I was so excited and even took a second pregnancy test just to be sure. For 5 days I was on cloud nine and I literally planned out how I would tell my family, then how I would tell my friends, and then how I would tell the rest of the world. Oh, and I also was planning out my baby shower too. Austin was so cute, even though he was scared to really believe it, he would talk to my belly and call it a boy...I had to correct him and tell him it was going to be a girl. Then...5 days after the first positive pregnancy test...I started to miscarry. I remember being in the bathroom again and just repeating "no" over and over again. I wasn't positive I was really having a miscarriage and at first I started to doubt that I was even pregnant. BUT, my little sister Amanda (and the doctor) confirmed pregnancy and also a miscarriage. I've had huge highs and lows ever since. On the one hand, I was pregnant!!! AND, it happened naturally. I can't even express the hope that has sprouted up in me. Maybe I can say sianara (I'll have to look up how to spell that) to the fertility clinic. The doctor estimated I was 5 weeks along and that is early enough to be able to try again right away. I'm really excited. On the other hand, I've been struggling with the loss. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sooo sad sometimes. I've tried to bury it deep in me but once and a while it creeps out. I was pregnant, and I got cheated out of that experience. Yep, that's how I feel sometimes. I'm not so awesome that I can rise above those thoughts...though, I am pretty awesome, let's be honest. I finally threw away my first positive pregnancy test after about 2 to 3 weeks of not being able to. It feels good to be in a place where I can write about it now. My family and my husband are incredible!!! Thanks to them and thanks to those of you who have lightened my burden these last couple weeks. You know who you are.