Good News and Bad News

I PROMISE I will post pictures of happier times in my next post...but so much significant stuff has happened. I can't believe right after I blogged my testimony I had this amazing experience. I was really upset after our attempt with IUI was unsuccessful. I told Austin I couldn't emotionally do it again right away and that I would like to wait a month before going back to the fertility clinic...I mean really, it is soooooo not romantic to do things that way *snickers*. Anyway, we tried the old fashioned way again while I was taking a mental break. Two weeks and a few days later I was late, which I didn't think much of because I've been a few days late every month for the past 3 years. I just couldn't help myself though...I just happened to have a pregnancy test laying around and I thought, "you know, I just don't want to think about it and wait for my monthly friend to come along." Soooooo, I took the pregnancy test- I can't tell you how many of those I've gone through in the last 3 years- and 3 minutes later I had a positive sign!!!! Every few minutes after that I checked it just to make sure I wasn't dreaming, or that the positive line didn't somehow disappear. I did a little dance right there in the bathroom. I was so excited and even took a second pregnancy test just to be sure. For 5 days I was on cloud nine and I literally planned out how I would tell my family, then how I would tell my friends, and then how I would tell the rest of the world. Oh, and I also was planning out my baby shower too. Austin was so cute, even though he was scared to really believe it, he would talk to my belly and call it a boy...I had to correct him and tell him it was going to be a girl. Then...5 days after the first positive pregnancy test...I started to miscarry. I remember being in the bathroom again and just repeating "no" over and over again. I wasn't positive I was really having a miscarriage and at first I started to doubt that I was even pregnant. BUT, my little sister Amanda (and the doctor) confirmed pregnancy and also a miscarriage. I've had huge highs and lows ever since. On the one hand, I was pregnant!!! AND, it happened naturally. I can't even express the hope that has sprouted up in me. Maybe I can say sianara (I'll have to look up how to spell that) to the fertility clinic. The doctor estimated I was 5 weeks along and that is early enough to be able to try again right away. I'm really excited. On the other hand, I've been struggling with the loss. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel sooo sad sometimes. I've tried to bury it deep in me but once and a while it creeps out. I was pregnant, and I got cheated out of that experience. Yep, that's how I feel sometimes. I'm not so awesome that I can rise above those thoughts...though, I am pretty awesome, let's be honest. I finally threw away my first positive pregnancy test after about 2 to 3 weeks of not being able to. It feels good to be in a place where I can write about it now. My family and my husband are incredible!!! Thanks to them and thanks to those of you who have lightened my burden these last couple weeks. You know who you are.

Testimonial

Some trials are small, some are big. Sometimes life is hard and sometimes it's easy. As I have learned in the last few years (and many times throughout my life) you have to really cherish the easy times. Sometimes we just cruise through life and everything falls into place...you have the midas touch...can do no wrong. I LOVE those times. Who doesn't? Then sometimes it's the exact opposite. Everything truly happens for a reason even if you only see it in hind-sight. I'm kinda funny because when I first learned that it wasn't going to be easy to have children, I really just kind of sat myself down (in a manner of speaking) and told myself I could get through this...I would get through this, and without freaking out or getting down or even worse, without placing blame. I really thought if I had enough faith, kept a positive attitude, prayed, read scriptures, went to church and the temple that I would get pregnant because of those things alone. I literally thought I could will myself to get pregnant. This all really isn't coming out right but I think you know what I mean. Anyway, sometimes we have to go through tough trials to learn a certain lesson...we all know this. I finally came to the point I didn't want to get to...the point where I was asking why, why me, why us, haven't I been through enough in my life? It wasn't until I arrived at this point that I've even begun to get the answer. The surprise is, it's not the answer I was asking about but an answer nonetheless. In fact answers would be the more appropriate word, answers that I needed, answers that will help me in my life WAY more than really knowing the reason why I'm not pregnant at this very moment. At this time in my life I rely on my savior not only every day but to get through every moment. I need him and he is there for me. He provides comfort where every worldly outlet has failed me. I've been cruising through these last 3 years with a false sense of what faith really is. What faith really takes. I love my savior and am so grateful for the knowledge I have and will hopefully continue to gain. We are never finished learning and growing. I've said it so much in the past and I'll say it again...I love my family beyond words and don't know what I would do without them. I also tell my husband I love him every day but want to say it again. I love him. I thank my lucky stars every day he is a part of my life. He makes each day brighter. He is the glue that holds me together. My heart flutters every time he grabs my hand. He has such an easy way about him and an amazing way to look at things that my very emotional, hormonal self can't comprehend sometimes. I can't believe how lucky I am to be able to take this journey with him. When I get down he reminds me of all the ways we are blessed and he's right...WE ARE SO BLESSED. I don't know what else I am supposed to take away from this experience and trial (other than what I've already learned) or how much longer it will last but I know that with the help of my savior I can face and get through anything...even if it doesn't turn out how I've hoped. So, you won't be seeing anymore "poor me" posts...at least, not until my next melt down. I have a GREAT life and am so thankful to those of you who have been such positive, unwavering examples to me. You know who you are...
Love ya.

IUI

Okay, I wasn't going to write about this because I've been having my own little pity party all week and I'm kinda over it now...but, several people have asked me to update and since I kinda use this as a journal and an outlet I would like to write a little something. Austin and I went for our first round of IUI two weeks ago. We found out just a few days ago that it failed. We're not giving up (though I feel like I want to) because we're just scratching the surface. One attempt does not mean it's all over but it's still pretty devastating. It's just such an emotional rollercoaster. I am a HOT MESS these days, ha ha. We'll try again in a month and let ya know how it goes, or maybe I'll just let ya know when we're finally successful. We're selling our house so we can afford IVF so if you know anyone looking for a nice house in the Indian Hills area, let me know. I love you all. It's the love of my friends and family that keep me going, even when I push you away. I never realized the depth and range of emotions I would feel. I go from depressed to angry, sad and bitter on a daily basis. Is there anything I can take for that? Because I'm ready to try anything!

You know, just because you understand why, doesn't mean you have to like it.

It's a "New Moon"

We did it again! We rented a theater for the next installment in the Twilight movie series, "New Moon". It all started way back in April. My sister Gina had told me that she knew someone who already rented a theater for this movie and was already selling tickets. I couldn't believe it because it was 6 or 7 months before the movie! After talking about it with a few people I decided to call the events coordinator who helped me on the last movie. She told me that not only have people already been renting movie theaters for New Moon, but they were already almost sold out for opening day! Of course I went ahead and reserved our theater and that started our crazy 6 month journey of selling tickets and preparing for our private New Moon screening. We had a blast! There is something about watching a movie with a theater full of people you know, or at least know love the series. We ended up selling EVERY SINGLE seat in the house! Which made it even more fun.

We had cardboard cut-outs of the main characters that the girls could put their faces through and pretend to be Bella. Gina and I couldn't resist! Ha Ha!

Everyone getting settled in.

I had a great time giving out prizes and throwing out New Moon themed candy.

My mom threw an after party and it was a HUGE success! Our neighbor Deanne made these wolf cupcakes. Aren't they awesome!! I couldn't bring myself to eat one.

Some friends enjoying the after party.

Amanda, me, mom, Gina....the people who made it all happen!

Thanks everyone for making it memorable once again!! We're already planning Eclipse!

Our Twi-Venture!

You know, I used to be cool. Then Twilight entered my life. At first I was one of "those people" who wouldn't read it just because everyone else was. I had no idea what it was even about. Then one day I was at the airport getting ready to fly to New Orleans to visit Austin who was working out there at the time. I decided to read a book on the 4 hour flight instead of go for the usual gossip magazines. So, I bought a copy of Twilight since so many people had recommended it and it was everywhere in the airport. Needless to say I was "sucked in" (hee hee) from chapter 1, read half of it on the way to New Orleans, and polished it off on the way back. Since Austin was going to be out of town for another couple weeks I ended up reading the next two books in the series which is all that was out at the time. Now look at me, I'm one of "those girls". I'm hosting private screenings for the movies and taking trips to Forks, WA, the place the books are set in. Ha ha, I just gotta laugh at myself.
It all started when Gina told me her friend was planning a trip to Forks to tour all the Twilight spots. At first I almost didn't do it, then at the last minute I decided "why not". I am so glad I went! We had so much fun! I got to really connect with my sister Gina. The girl cracks me UP! We no sooner settled into our seats on the plane then Gina grabbed a barf bag out from the back of the seat in front of her and turned to her friends to say, "I'm a puker." Her two friends sitting across the aisle, along with half the plane, including myself, leaned away in disgust as Julie and Keri simultaneously asked, "Really?" "No", Gina replied with a semi straight face while casually placing the barf bag back where it came from. Everyone from two rows in front of us to two rows in back of us erupted in laughter. I was laughing internally for long after the joke was made a little awe inspired by my cute sisters quick wit. And that's how the whole trip was. Her two friends, Julie and Keri, were so cute and hilarious! The dynamic between the four of us was great and we all fed off each other's energy...even though I became known as the longest sleeper of the group. Hey, when you get up at 4:30 in the morning every day for work, you learn to get sleep whenever you can, and it was a VACATION!!! We decided to just give in and be big dorks the whole time since that was what the weekend was all about. It made the whole experience a lot more fun.

We started our trip in Seattle, which was awesome because I've never been there. It was beautiful and everything I expected. We woke up to pounding rain the first day and by the time we made it into the city the sun was peeking through the clouds. We spent the first part of the day at Pike's marketplace. It was really fun and cool to see. We didn't get there early enough to see the fish being tossed around but we did see a lot of other interesting things there. Then we ate at the top of the Space Needle where the restaurant revolves slowly as you eat so you get a 360 degree view of the city...BEAUTIFUL!!

Gina, me, Keri, Julie and Priscilla at the Space Needle

After we were finished eating at the Space Needle we headed down to Port Angeles to eat at...you guessed it...Bella Italia!

All the businesses participated in the Twilight mania. It really made us feel less dorky knowing that everything around use was treating it all like it was real. (Don't worry, I know I'm a dork still)

Just like it had been cued, this wolf came wandering by while we were waiting outside the Bella Italia. Okay so it's an Alaskan Husky but it was too perfect!

The owner very graciously took a picture of us and some new found Twi-hard friends with the "wolf".

We all ate mushroom ravioli and cokes, except for Keri because she doesn't like mushrooms. Guess she's not as hard core as we are. *giggles*

After we ate at Bella Italia in Port Angeles we headed straight down to Forks and then on in to La Push baby. It was pitch black and midnight by the time we pulled up to our hotel "The Quillayute Oceanside Resort". When we woke up in the morning we were stunned to find we were right on First Beach. This is the view from our deck. We were literally a hundred or so feet from the beach! Anyone recognize those cliffs?

There was driftwood everywhere just like Stephenie Meyer describes in the book.

I couldn't pass up an opportunity to act like a goofball with Gina.

The locals were great and they directed us to the house that Stephenie Meyer based Jacob Black's house on. It was complete with a barn in the back and the owner's put a motorcycle out front in the spirit of the book.

Everyone capitalized and embraced the whole Twilight theme. Here is the treaty line at the edge of the indian reservation. (I told you, it doesn't feel so fake when you're there) *laughs*

Welcome to Forks everyone! We finally arrived.

You know, Edward really does prefer brunettes. *smiles, sigh*

Couldn't pass up a photo op with"Bella's truck"

This is the house they decided looks the most like Charlie and Bella Swan's house. The people who own it must be really good sports.

We stopped at the Forks Hospital and checked out Dr. Cullen's parking spot.

Fork's High School!

Gina and I acting dorky again, pretending to be hand cuffed at the Fork's police station.

Just an example of how everyone there took advantage of the Twilight craze. We thought this sign was funny. Get it?!

You never know what you'll run into in the forest.

We even built a fire that night on First Beach.

The day we went home it was so stormy the ocean looked and sounded angry. None of use could sleep that night because of the wind, rain and crashing waves. The picture doesn't do it justice.

Diet Woes

I am done!!! Done!! I officially quit this diet...ha ha. I didn't last long. I can't do it. It is too hard, at least for me. I am miserable, depressed and deprived. I am making an appointment today with a fertility specialist and I'll just go that route. Hey, at least I lasted 6 weeks on that diet so I know I gave it a good go. But in that time I never felt better, my energy level kept getting lower and lower. I love to eat and life is too short not to enjoy simple little pleasures like good food!